Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Reworked Beginning Teaser

The first draft of Breaking Away is in hell; I'm starting from scratch. Here's the reworked beginning.


*snipped*

15 comments:

inkspatters said...

Love love love the atmosphere. Great opening, Bee :D

LizPage said...

Aw I love this! It feels so real and genuine. And I love the non reaction to this "Because I want to smell the ocean, down a mocktail and fall in love with the first guy I meet today."
It sets up the feeling of 'adults don't listen' so well.

Adam said...

"Because I want to smell the ocean, down a mocktail and fall in love with the first guy I meet today."

LOVE that line. :D

Adam

Glen Akin said...

Man, I love this. Lol everytime she tries to run, someone screws her plan. I'm starting to think it's not such a coincidence

Margo said...

Ohhh, I love this. It's so real, and you get a great feel of who the character is from such a small snip.

Karla Nellenbach said...

nicely done! the scene you painted here is so real, and I find myself feeling for this character who just wants to get out but whose every attempt is thwarted

Becca said...

I have to agree with Ink. I love the atmosphere! My emotions felt totally different. So strange how that happens. Great teaser! <3

J.S. Wood said...

This is a great beginning. It leaves so many questions unanswered and I want to read on to find the answers. Beautiful writing.

Amanda said...

I liked her talking about way she was skipping. Probably my favorite part. Good beginning.

Annie McElfresh said...

This opening hooked me. I want to know more about your MC and why this means so much to her. Good job.

V said...

I love how this line-- Every time I try to run away, someone or the other brings me back home.-- sets me up to think that the "someone" or "something" will be in her head-- you know, like she just can't bear to leave _____. And then it turns out that people literally bring her home. Which is just such a fascinating character trait that I had to keep reading. Someone who has the guts to actually run away but somehow can't manage it? Love it.

Caitlin R. O'Connell said...

Great beginning! It is most definitely hook-y, and I am really intrigued as to why she's tried to run away so many times - and how someone manages to bring her back each time.

Stephanie Jenkins said...

This was haunting. Beautiful writing and excellent beginning. I'm so intruiged about what happens next! :)

Tahereh said...

wow. wow wow. i love your style. your sentences are fluid -- easy, not overwritten, not overworked. this is great, raw stuff. so honest but insouciant. i already love your MC and i don't even know why.

i can't wait to see where this goes.

best of luck!! i'm so sure you'll do well!!

Bee said...

Thank you guys, so much! I'm hoping the reworked version works well. Your comments just made my day :D

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